steppin out

what is will
thinking creates
feelings.....feelings
create behaviours
behaviours create
life...not my life
I dont have a life

I am life

Forsaken and marginalized I trudge along
with a deep sense of inadeqacy
Broken hearted or is it
a sign of something more
Like an ingrained pattern
of irresponsibility

Feelings...I'm a good feeling addict
yet repetitively creating
loss for some hidden agenda

that's too close to see

I await my reunion

feelings and dealings

caught up in the web
of unsanctioned doings
riding a roller coaster
balance oh balance
where is my lottery
mystical magical
some say unknowable
i catch a glimpse
gander or glance
seemingly gone
i can only handle
the tiniest flash

maturity has its price
freedom from the immunity
of ignorance or blame
yet my actions echo

shimmerick

there was a man in N.A.
who was learning to life in today
as he said with a frown
i"ll search deep deep down

and come up with words to say

ABUSE

what is pain
and why does it grow
it makes me insane
and i feel like dirt

pain is a viscous cycle
repeating day in and out
could be a broken ankle

or emotional scar making me pout

when I'll have a reprieve
nobody can know
bad thoughts make me believe
my pain will only grow

why couldn't you say no
to abusing us kids
you took away my lifelong glow
my life is always on the  skids

Despair

traumatic events occurred in my past
that have devastated the spirit within me
whilst I'm in this transcendental cast
life seems nary easy or free

My pain block the way like a partition
during everyday events or say transfers
sometimes my life is an ongoing question

and rarely I have any answers

I've heard that in times of stress
people get answers that ease their strife
myself I'm always a constant mess
and more that once tried to end my life

If this poem seem too dramatic
its cause I'm beyond repair
life is always way too traumatic
rescue me in my despair

Whistleblower

just for today
I'll be clean
clean as a whistle
you know what I mean

Free from drugs
that guide my behaviour
understanding feelings
now that's my saviour

creating rapport
getting in step
nothing to abhore
life adding pep

I AM TRUSTING
I AM HARDWORKING
I AM HONEST
I AM GOOD
I AM THOUGHTFULL
I AM COURAGEOUS

I AM A LEADER

Sharing

Routine heroism is here
by admitting many a fear
letting people come near
and listening to what I hear
unafraid of showing a tear

Potentials that to grow
as I reap what I sow
truth to myself to show
all there is to know
the line i start to tow

My slumber I have shook
getting out of my nook
letting myself off the hook
not thinking of myself as a crook
accepting your personal look

The voice deep in my heart
says were not so far apart
I say it's time that I start
addressing the fears I cart

realizing life imitates art

zen master, little pee
lying so gracefully

enchanted distractions

I am whole, I am me
creating a world within
synchronicity abounds
when I tune in....hello God
Warm embraces, smiling faces
capturing my attentions
Get busy living says love
that's my higher purpose
Time slows yets speeds on by
back fur and belly fat...I'm okay

Alopecia

moving from spot to spot
like a darting glance
one day on my neck
next (it seems) on my chin
whats with these wierd
wondrous bald spots
that appear and disappear
like they have a will of their own
maybe just hopefully maybe
they will engulf the totality
of my chin and neck
thus eliminating shaving altogether
what a mystery this tiny aspect of life

Unstablity of structure

The hundred pound texture of everything
all sorts of plans with nothing to do

I like this

New shirt new pants and a new tie....ah the attentions of walking thru the day
then again I'm completely invisible to some, don't push it
Follow my lead says the synchronistic force guiding me through today's history
clap your hands be the life force, focus, engage, enrich, smile, and enact
Starbucks is a hub of activity with connections and love flowing freely

Filling up

Consume consume consume...it's pounded into my psyche
while the mindless chatter hurls its tentacles
Use this, use that, no use and abuse me it screams
tearing into any quiet like the roar of a waterbomber engine
Wallyworld is a spiritual religious experience where the happy reside
for a short period sometimes its gone while walking to the car
I'll be happy when...when i get that new television to
hypnotize myself...when I get that new car to impress the ones I loathe
Please imbue me with a sense of permanency I scream

creating rapport

I am a shell surrounded by behaviors taught to me by fools
defined by  manic oppression, fraught with fluoride swallowers
Constantly distracting my life away from any real purpose
all the while telling myself that I'm in a state of progression
As the sheeple herd themselves into rows of stagnant waste
 they desperately toss out lassos  to imbue a cemented purpose
I'm not buying I scream, with abandon to the guilt ridden
yet there is no higher purpose...there is no purpose at all
During the rare lull in the din I gaze without thought
crying out where is my mommy...where is my mommy?